Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
