i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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