The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
