how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
