Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
