I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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