I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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