My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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