just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I think my moral compass just broke
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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