I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
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