i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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