SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
