I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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