I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
