I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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