ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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