He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
