there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
