You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
