I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
this boner is exhausting
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
