I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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