I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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