Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
