I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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