Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
