and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
