I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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