so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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