you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
