Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
