i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you traded sex for a burrito?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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