also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
