i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
