I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
