My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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