I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I cut my penus on the lid.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
