I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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