i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
