:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
