Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
