It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
