I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
