i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
