i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
