I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
