I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
