You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
