I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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