you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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