If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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