I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
